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• A MANAGER'S DILEMA
  An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
  Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.
  Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
  "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said,
  "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
• 1 tequilla, 2 tequilla, 3 tequilla, floor
  
  
  Two Drunk guys walk into a bar...you'd think they'd see it coming.
• How many men does it take to open a beer?
  None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
  
  Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
  Because a woman who can't even afford
  a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
  
  Why do women have smaller feet than men?
  It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
  
  How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
  
  How do you fix a woman's watch?
  You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
• Horn Broken "Watch" for Finger

• Why did the tomato turn red?
• It saw the salad dressing!
• Why did the potato jump off a building?

• Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
• Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say ,"Damn, is it Halloween already?"
• Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
• Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
• Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
• Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours...for a quote!
• Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
• Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
• Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
• Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
• Yo momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
• Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
• Yo momma so ugly that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face!!
• Yo momma so ugly that her face will make a freight train take a dirt road!
• Yo momma so ugly the NHL banned her for life.
• Yo momma so ugly, she walked into taco bell and they all ran for the border!
• Yo momma so ugly people go ask her for Halloween.
• Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

Wild Nuns
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55." The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!" The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible." The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."

The Duck A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.

The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?"

The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."

---

Confucius Say...

• Grease monkey who go to bed without bathing wake up oily in the morning.
  Thank you to Gary Oaksford for this contribution.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
• War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
• Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
• Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
• Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
• He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
• Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
• Man who sit on tack get point!
• Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
• A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
  Found in a women's restroom.
  
• Make love, not war. Heck, do both - get married !
  Found in a women's restroom.
  
• You're too good for him.
  Over a women's restroom mirror.
  
• Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
  Found in a men's restroom.
  
• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
  Over a men's restroom mirror.
  
• No wonder you always go home alone.
  Over a men's restroom mirror.
  
• Express Lane: Five beers or less.
  Over a urinal.
  
• What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
  Over a urinal.
  
• At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

• Beauty is only a light switch away.
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is? If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?So what's the speed of dark? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station.. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

• You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!
• A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
• A hooker told me "Not on the first date."
• Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
• My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
• I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
• I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.
• I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• I said to the bartender "Surprise me." He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
• I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
• I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
• I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous— everyone hasn't met me yet.
• I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
• I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
• I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
• I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
• My father never liked me, he'd tell me to go out and play "Hide and-go-fuck-yourself".
• I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

• I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

• I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.

• I'm not into that one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use them and degrade them

• Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

• There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

• What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. 

I'm Alan Partridge

• "Aha!"

• "Lynn! You couldn't present a... cat!"

• "Well theres no need for that!"

• "I'm leaving you, you cow!"

• "Well, you're in the right ballpark. No, it actually says Cock, Piss, Partridge."

• "There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent, that's the tragedy."

• "Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."

• "I'd love to get my hands on the bastard. Or bitch, might be a lady."

• "I'm sorry, that was just a noise."

• "Good. Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these."

• "Right, dry skin cream. I'm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack."

• "I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one."

• "Rolled on the thighs of a virgin."

• "Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."

• "In fact, you know, the best thing I ever did was get thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot!"

• "Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus."

• "Yes, it's an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake."

• Alan has a confornatation with a former schoolmate regarding being caned as a teenager for having a chalk penis drawn on his back. "That was a long time ago Alan!" "That's what Nazi war criminals say!"

• "I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go?"

• "We managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, "Cook" where it once said "Cock", and it says "Pass" now where it once said "Piss", so it's slightly less rude."

• "All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don't you? Wine this, wine that. Let's have a bit of red, let's have a bit of white. Ooh, that's a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don't know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of, mineral water."

• "Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house."

• "And, can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an action man bow-tie."

• "Alright, I'll rephrase the question. Could you... no, actually, I'll just repeat the question: have I got a second series?"

• "Yeah, give me another series you shit."

• "Tony, I've, look I've just bought a house. It's got a Buck Rodgers toilet. One yank, all gone!"

• "Textbook sexual intercourse."

• "Jurassic Park!"

• "Kiss my face."

• "I like your berets."

• "Back of the net!"

• "Smell my cheese, you mother!"

• "Lynn I'm not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they're down."

• In response to Jed Maxwell wanting Alan to meet his brother - ‘No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist!’

• While hosting his radio slot "Alan's Deep Bath" : "We're down to the final lather...just relax...there's a foamy bit on your shoulder - let's make it even more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good....careful not to fall asleep and slip under, there's some terrible statistics about that."

• In response to the offer of a drink at a swinging couple's house, Lynn says ‘No thanks, I don't want to be part of your sex festival.’ Alan questions, ‘Festival?’

• After he eats an apple pie heated in a microwave, Alan exclaims ‘How long did you put that in for Lynn? It's hotter than the sun!’

• After it is explained to Alan why jockeys are short in stature: ‘I see! That's why you never see people like Brian Blessed riding horses, it makes sense.’

• Alan proposing a possible programming idea: ‘Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave.’

• The superbly scripted rhetorical argument: ‘I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be, I don't know, Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kievs?”, “I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”, “Doesn't matter. She can have fish”, “No she won't eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me.’

• Alan addressing the widow of a recently deceased 40 year old: ‘All those people who go around saying “Life begins at forty”. They're notable by their absence. The nerve.’

• When asked what upset him at the country fair, Alan replies: ‘Just people. I just hate the general public’

• Commenting on the fact that one cannot have naked flames on a petrol station's forecourt: 'It's political correctness gone mad.'

• Alan prepares for a confrontation: ‘The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!’

• Alan noting the behaviour of a visitor to a petrol station: ‘Is he gonna get any petrol? No he's using the forecourt to turn around... he thinks he's Rod Stewart!’

• Alan, when imagining himself gyrating seductively in front of the BBC Director General, wearing only his Y-fronts, socks and a golfing sweater with ‘nipple holes’ cut into it... ‘Would you like me to lap dance for you?’

• Talking to two Irish television producers about the Irish Potato Famine: ‘At the end of the day, they will pay the price for being a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate, they could afford to eat at a modest restaurant.’

• While playing the Crisis Zone arcade game against a child: ‘Shitty zombies!’

• While explaining the opening scene of The Spy Who Loved Me,‘"He's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits, with lemon piping’

• When trying to conjure up images of 'real Irish people' he includes "Bucktoothed simpletons... horses running through the streets... badly tarmacced drives in THIS country."

• ‘My girlfriend is 14 years younger than me. Cashback!’

• Contemplating his relationship with his girlfriend ‘Well Sonja, that was classic intercourse.’

• After inventing a ladyboys chaser consisting of a pint, a baileys irish cream and a gin and tonic. 'Ooh Ladyboys'

• 'Ruddy hell its Soft Cell'

• Arriving at a conference centre, 'The security in this place is terrible - I booked the room under the name of the Real IRA. I'd better go and tell them it's really me.' (Opens door and policemen are visible in the background. Closes the door quickly) 'We have to leave...Crossed wires...'

• When talking to an East Anglian farmer on his radio show, ‘You feed beefburgers to swans!’

• 'If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plow the family into the soil, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who is also your brother.'

• After having one of his James Bond videotapes recorded over by Michael's friend; Tex:‘I really wanted to see America's Strongest Man...’ -- Alan:‘Well now you've got Norfolk's Maddest Man!’

• After having his entire collection of James Bond videos ruined when Lynn spills Sunny Delight over them, Alan takes a hammer and all his boxes of cereal outside the caravan. 'What you doing Mr Partridge?' 'I'm destroying my cereals.'

• On making a documentary for canal boats: ‘This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.’

• ‘In my mind God made Adam and Eve, he didn't make Adam and Steve.’

• To Sonja: ‘I love you, in a way.’

• To the builders: 'I was repellant to Women... for two years'

• To the BBC Head of Programming: ‘Smell my cheese, you mother!’ and 'Give me another series you shit'

• After being asked had vandals got to his car again: ‘'Fraid so, third time. Scum. Sub-human scum.’

• To Lynn when she tells him they have to go to her mother's grave before watching all the James Bond films back to back: ‘The underground base of an evil genius ... then Doctor No.’

• Trying to grab his new friend Dan's attention in a car park: ‘Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Oh, he's not seeing me, I'll get him later. ... Dan!’

• ‘Oh, butter my arse!’

• ‘Abso-bloody-exactly!’

• ‘Quick tip for yourself: if you're ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"". Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.'

• 'That's gash'

• On being asked by Ben who Wings were: 'They’re only the band the Beatles could have been.'

• 'Lynne, some of these people have come from Stoke.'

• 'Stop getting Bond wrong!'

• 'Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.'

• Upon answering the phone 'Sir Dansworth of Moodyshire! As I live and breathe.'

• In celebration: "Jack-anack-anory"

• Lynn enters the caravan while Alan is talking to the tax-collecters "Oh Lynn! The fat envelope!......... not you Lynn"

• "It's vulcanised rubber, which means it won't perish."

• Talking to a recovered drug addict on Christian radio "have you ever shaved your crackling?"

• At a bird sanctuary with Gill. "This is the best Valentines Day I've had in 8 years" "Why, what did you do 8 years ago?" "Just had a better one"

• Alan denies sending a Valentine’s card to Sophie - "Oh God, no, no. I’m old enough to be her father! Well her older brother. Either way it’s incest!"